While waiting for my order at my local coffee shop, I overheard a stressed-out woman on her phone: “Why does it feel like everyone else has it figured out? Was I absent the day they taught bouncing back in school? I didn’t work this hard and get this far to just burn out…but I feel like I must have missed the ‘Resilience 101’ class…”
Resilience is valued and rewarded everywhere—on the sports field, in the workplace, in hospitals and in our classrooms… And yet I’m surprised at how rarely we discuss it or formally teach it.
Especially when it has such a significant impact on our lives:
- Kids who aren’t resilient can be shamed or left behind.
- Colleagues who aren’t resilient are often passed over for roles or teams.
- Partners, friends, or patients who aren’t resilient are written off as “immature” or “too needy.”
- Parents who aren’t resilient are considered unstable or unreliable.
- Communities or groups that aren’t resilient often collapse.
And folks who are resilient are often quick to judge and eyeroll:
- “He needs to put on his big boy pants and move on.”
- “They can’t handle feedback.”
- “She’s a trainwreck.”
- “Why can’t they just get over it and move on?”
- “I don’t understand…They just gave up…”
But how do we learn resilience?
If we’re lucky, we had parents or caregivers who modeled it. Or maybe a teacher, coach, or mentor stepped in. For some of us, resilience developed gradually through maturity and life experience. For others, it’s instinctual.
Our environments can also support our resilience. Families, cultures and workplaces that are trust- and justice-based and encourage a “testing and learning” approach often have more resilient folks than “blame-and-shame” environments.
But what happens if you’re on the receiving end of the “pull yourself together” message, and never learned healthy ways to:
- Assess yourself and your situations fairly
- Take accountability (or identify when it’s not yours to take)
- Navigate grief, shame, anxiety, disappointment or loss
- Sit in discomfort and regulate your emotions
- Build systems or habits that support resilience
- Identify and tap into supportive relationships
- Have direct conversations
- Learn from—and find purpose and meaning in—your experiences
- Recognize broader systems or environments that hinder or undermine your ability to adapt and grow
Or… what if you can do these things, but you’re working with, leading or parenting people who have yet to develop these skills?
Why is it so easy for you to see the next step — and so hard for them?
In today’s complex world, I’m noticing a whole bunch of folks who are struggling to summon resilience when they need it most. They’re tired. They’re frustrated. They feel like they’re failing (or flailing), and they’re struggling to find the energy, motivation, or perspective to rebound. They may not be at full burnout stage…(a different mental place where they’re totally tapped and have lost motivation), but they’re unsure what skills they need to continue to move forward.
They’re not alone, but they feel like they are… And often, they’re navigating broader systems that can make resilience harder, not easier.
The Downside of Resilience
I’ve also watched some people normalize unhealthy levels of stress and become overly tolerant of adversity or toxicity. Gritting and grinding for excessive periods without rest can promote toxic cultures and have dangerous health consequences. (Stay tuned for another post on this topic.)
All this is to say that, perhaps the first lesson in resilience is moving away from judgment and towards curiosity, growth, and learning.
- It’s recognizing that resilience is a skillset — one that can be built over time.
- It’s understanding that resilience can look different for everyone.
- It’s accepting that while some folks get a head start…with support, practice and guidance, and environmental supports, everyone can strengthen their ability to rebound and rise.
- It’s acknowledging that excessive resilience can lead to harmful overextension.
- It’s admitting that addressing full-blown burnout requires way more than just resilience.
Join me as I continue to learn about resilience and burnout in real time and connect dots across leadership, change management, coaching, psychology, and team dynamic research. I’m unpacking these topics, and healthier ways we can work together.
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While I’m not a resilience expert (yet!), I’m committed to showing up and sharing what I’m learning from my research. My goal is to help – whether you’re working on your own resilience, or you’re being asked to teach your loved ones, your teams or your organizations get better and faster at bouncing back, adapting, and growing. So stay tuned, and share what’s resonating for you.
Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist…just a voracious reader, leader, certified coach, and communications pro who is intensely curious about resilience and burnout and how it’s playing out in our workplaces and lives today. If you’re struggling with your mental health, please seek out a qualified professional.
